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Hockey Hilarity: Satire at it's Finest

GoonFightFace


Today, we have a piece about Phil Kessel from yesterday that was downright incredible on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. This scathing editorial on how the Toronto Maple Leafs should trade Phil Kessel immediately comes from Pension Plan Puppets over SBNation. Here is the link.

The whole thing, for those that can't read English or don't watch the game of hockey, is dripping with so much sarcasm that it could be taken seriously if you know, you don't read English or watch the game of hockey.

Some of my favorite parts:

"While tallying five goals and three assists netted the forward the star-studded tournament's Best Forward award, it's clear that he has returned to the fold bent on becoming a distraction and detriment to the future of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Hockey is so much more than a goal scoring competition and it is in these vital areas that Phil Kessel is hurting the Toronto Maple Leafs."

That sentence in bold was pretty stellar. And then there's this one:

"My God. While his teammates were attending training camps in the Caribbean where they presumably were training with local fitness experts, Kessel has apparently allowed his fitness fall to such a state that he cannot even complete a practice."

Oh, and last but not least:

"His flight back was on an NHL charter - ie a method of travel nicer than anyone reading this will ever experience - and probably could not have been any cushier (sensing a theme for the doughy forward?) so he should have been ready to get back to business as the Leafs enter the final 22 games of the season looking to hold off challengers for the final two wild card playoff spots. Maybe he'll compensate for the loafing in the same fashion as he did while in Sochi where he used what one must assume is some sort of performance enhancer:


Phil-kessel-smelling-salts_medium


While Nicklas Backstrom was held out of the Gold Medal Game for using allergy medicine(!), the powerful American lobby saw to it that Kessel's mystery drug didn't affect his status."


Just really great stuff all the way around. Make sure you follow @mlse or just take a gander at some of the replies to this fantastic article on Twitter.

Hopefully this eased the pain of last night's debacle for everyone a little bit.

See you all next week!

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